Louisa May Alcott was a Babe

Elton John - Tiny Dancer

Okay, I know earlier I stated that if I didn't remember a dream, I would make one up and it'd be this great guessing game for ages 1-99. For the record's sake, this dream did happen and it is exactly why I started writing these down.

Finally finishing an intense week at work, my mind can relax, so naturally it focused on little people, midgets, tiny dancers, whatever term you want to use. Cut to the dreamscape:

I am sitting on my parents bed in Long Island. In front of me is Debbie Lee Carrington, of Seinfeld (Tammy) and Total Recall (Thumbelina) fame (among many other things). The irony does not escape me that when I searched for her image, I set the filter to "large" pictures only.

Now it makes sense that I am seeing Debbie Lee specifically, because she's pretty hot and even if I wasn't dreaming, I would follow in my dream's footsteps, but forget blatant uses of foreshadowing, let's move on. At this point, I'm sitting on the bed, while her back is to me. On her back is a tattoo of the letter A in a circle. However, when she moves, the letter changes from A to B and then to C. A hologram tattoo. (Any investors listening?)

I was thoroughly impressed, but she revealed her secret to me, by stepping closer, and now I can see there were actually the three letter tattoos on her back all along and she must have been moving in a way that made it appear as one changing.

There was nothing sexual in this at the time, despite the fact that she's topless. That is, until my boss of all people, opens the door to the room and realizes what's going on (she got the front view of Debbie Lee, her back still faces me). Her reaction? An embarrassed grin and "There's paper towels on desk." That was the turning point, and I reached out to Debbie Lee's back to initiate a massage. (Okay kiddies, it's time to go to bed, Daddy's watching his special program).

When I touch her back, I can sense both a reluctant stiffness and a submission to a forbidden excitement (take that Harlequin Enterprises!). We jump cut to making out aggressively on the bed. As we are kissing, I notice she is not moving her tongue, and its mostly me sucking on her tongue.

If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful? sound bite Face/Off sound bites

I must have inquired because she then sticks her tongue out at me, which was actually a browning, unpeeled banana. No wonder it felt so odd! This was a key moment in my dreamlife, whether to sexually progress with a banana-tongued little person. And for everyone who knows me, you can guess my decision.

We continued to let out our aggressions on each other and when I went for the next move, I was surprised (although the banana should have been a tipoff) that Debbie Lee Carrington was actually a hermaphrodite. Now mind you I've never seen a hermaphrodite but I've seen both a vagina and a penis, and I was a decent math student so it wouldn't be hard to imagine (apparently not).

This "little" fact "stunted" our time together (cheap, I know). Carrie Lee, being embarrassed, explained "Now you understand why I am still a virgin." But being the gentleman that I am, I used this shocker (no, not the fact that she's a virgin) to keep the conversation going and I actually asked the following question: "So do you like having both parts so you have more options, or would you rather have one set and just be attracted to one sex?"

I was really rationalizing this one. When I asked that, my assumption was that if you have a penis, you seek out vaginas, and vice versa but clearly not everyone follows that mantra.

Regardless, this would be a cream dream for Freud (couldn't avoid that one). A question I have to ask myself is, would this have turned sexual if my boss hadn't appeared? If no, there's an association of sexiness with her (which is something I once believed impossible, but now doubt seeps in, in the form of Debbie Lee). That may seem like a minor question in this huge pile of "Wait, what the fuck? What about the fact that you were on your parents bed with a hermaphrodite?" All I know is that I'll have to fulfill my destiny of finding Debbie Lee and knowing the truth.